


[ORIGINAL RECORDING OF GOOSE'S ATTACK ON THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, LONDON, 15TH APRIL 2018]

by horrorterroronesie



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast), Untitled Goose Game (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Humor, but in an alternate universe where they arent all sad all the time, set somewhere during season 3, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-24 16:44:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21102704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horrorterroronesie/pseuds/horrorterroronesie
Summary: It is a lovely day in the Magnus Archives, and you are a horrible goose.





	[ORIGINAL RECORDING OF GOOSE'S ATTACK ON THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, LONDON, 15TH APRIL 2018]

ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Statement of Madeline Delaney, regarding… sightings of an autonomous disembodied arm. Statement recorded by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the-  
GOOSE: HONK 

[SOUND OF PERSON FALLING OFF CHAIR]

ARCHIVIST: Y-  
GOOSE: HONK  
ARCHIVIST: What!?

[FLAPPING WINGS] 

ARCHIVIST: Ow! Ow, get off me-

[SCUFFLE, DOOR OPENS] 

ARCHIVIST: MARTIN, why is there a goose in the Archives!?

[PAUSE]

MARTIN: Um. Excuse me?  
GOOSE: HONK

[RUSTLE OF PAPER]

ARCHIVIST: No no no no no, not the _statements! _  
MARTIN: Wait, I’m coming!  
GOOSE: HOOOOOOOOOOONK

[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS, SCUFFLE]

MARTIN: Wow, okay, that’s an actual goose.  
MARTIN: … Is it, uh, supernatural? Or something?  
ARCHIVIST: I don’t know! Maybe! It’s a goose, Martin!  
MARTIN: Alright, sorry, give me a second...

[PAUSE, GOOSE SOUNDS IN BACKGROUND]

ARCHIVIST: What the hell are you doing?  
MARTIN: I read this on the internet once! You’ve got to juuuuust reach out and-  
GOOSE, FULL OF RAGE: HONK  
MARTIN: Oh god whyyyy does it have teeth!  
ARCHIVIST: Go get a broom! Quick!

[FLAPPING WINGS AGAIN, LONG PAUSE] 

ARCHIVIST: Hurry up! It’s- don’t pull that!  
MARTIN, MUFFLED: What’s going on? I can’t find the broom!  
ARCHIVIST: My keys! How did it even-  
MELANIE: Hey, is everything o- thaaaaaat’s a goose.  
ARCHIVIST: [INDECIPHERABLE SCREAM OF FRUSTRATION]  
GOOSE: HONK  
MELANIE: I can handle this! Jon, you’re just scaring it, get out and I’ll do it.  
ARCHIVIST: … Fine.

[MOMENT OF SILENCE]

ARCHIVIST: What’s it doing now?  
MELANIE: Uh… just looking at me, actually.  
ARCHIVIST: Thank you _so_ much for your help.  
MELANIE: Like you could do anything! C’mon, goose, just come out of there…  
MARTIN, SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH: I have the broom! And some bread!  
MELANIE: Perfect! Look, I have some breaaaaad…

[GOOSE MOVEMENT SOUNDS]

  
MELANIE: Yeah, just come out of this door so we can…  
MELANIE: OW!  
GOOSE: HONK  
ARCHIVIST: You were standing too close! Martin, give me the broom.  
MARTIN: On second thought, uh, maybe I should get more bread? I don’t want to accidentally hurt it-  
GOOSE: HONK  
MELANIE: Fuck that, give me the broom. 

[MOVEMENT, SOMETHING WHOOSHING THROUGH AIR]

MELANIE: Get behind it and I’ll push it out.  
MARTIN: That doesn’t, uh… Is it unlocking the trapdoor?  
ARCHIVIST: Is it _what?_  
GOOSE, TRIUMPHANTLY: HONK

[THUNK, SOUND OF GOOSE FALLING]

GOOSE: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK

[INCREDULOUS SILENCE]

ARCHIVIST: ...I’m getting a cigarette.

[RECORDING ENDS]

[RECORDING BEGINS]  
[MUFFLED CONVERSATION]

ARCHIVIST: ……… It escaped into the tunnels.  
BASIRA: [LAUGHTER] It what?  
ARCHIVIST: Oh, don’t look at me like- [SPUTTERING] It was a large goose!  
MELANIE: Yeah. Terrifying. It _honked_, Basira. How are we supposed to be a match for it?  
ARCHIVIST: Stop that.  
BASIRA: How did it even- did you open the trapdoor for it?  
ARCHIVIST: I didn-  
MARTIN: We’re going to get it back, right?

[SILENCE]

MARTIN: You’re- we can’t just leave it to starve down there!  
ARCHIVIST: Pff- it’ll be fine. It can, uh, eat the… worm and spider… dessicated cor-  
MELANIE: God, shut up, you’re just making it worse.  
MARTIN: You would just let it die, wouldn’t you!  
ARCHIVIST: I- uh- I-  
MELANIE: Yeah, Jon.  
ARCHIVIST: It could be anywhere by now!  
MARTIN: Which is why we should start now! And, uh, I’ll go by myself if I need to-  
ARCHIVIST: _No!_

[SILENCE]

ARCHIVIST, AWKWARDLY: I mean. That won’t be necessary. I will go with you, Martin.  
MARTIN: Huh! Thanks?

[PAUSE]

MARTIN: Wait, are you still recording?  
ARCHIVIST: Oh. Yes, let me-

[RECORDING ENDS]

**Author's Note:**

> well. heres this  
they do end up finding the goose and taking it out of the tunnels and to a lake. this involves a half hour drive in a car with a very angry goose. nobody is happy about this

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] [ORIGINAL RECORDING OF GOOSE'S ATTACK ON THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE, LONDON, 15TH APRIL 2018]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21426646) by [olive2pod (olive2read)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/olive2read/pseuds/olive2pod)


End file.
